it's us against the city.

I'm trying so hard to not be negative. I really am. I'm trying to see how happy I am and how wonderful life can be and I'm trying to have more fun. There's just one problem though, and that is I'm just not happy. I'm just not having enough fun and life is just shit, well right now anyhow.

I've been pondering the idea of going back on Lexapro. But how can artificial happiness cure what's really bothering me. The fact that I feel like a complete failure, that I don't know what I really want and can't for the life of me just see something through 100%. with all the thoughts and ideas I have and all the plans I make for myself I fucking just throw them all away. I'm never fucking good enough. Not even for myself.

Thankfully I bought a six pack of stella and a bottle of kettle one to drown any feelings I might have away tonight. Apparently though I haven't had enough to drink.

I wish I wasn't so up and down. Maybe I should take more drugs and think less. I practically have a whole fucking pharamacy sitting on my dresser calling out to me.

I'm really not feeling all that sorry for myself. I just wish I could be less stupid at times and not so jealous of other peoples happiness.


Besides that depressing shit, ID was fun last night. Diego came out and got drunk with us. I can't believe the bar tender gave him a glass of rum. not a shot, not a mixed drink but like straight on a GLASS of rum. I had a large sip, I shared drinks, I danced. I stepped on peoples feet while trying to push my way through the crowds. I met a few nice girls outside. I didn't end up in any ugly pictures this time (I don't think anyhow). The Paradise Boys weren't that bad. Well, I thought they sounded good live. The music was fun and I danced a lot. The lyrics could be better on some songs, but it was fun music to listen and dance too. I was drunk, but was more composed and when we left I felt sober even though I knew I wasn't. Diego and I came back to my house and passed out watching a movie. I slept in my clothes, and woke up looking like a pirate. My room was a mess, thankfully my friends know I'm a messy girl and don't seem to mind. I...

fuck it.