Amber Loveless
I suppose it is wrong to be completely jealous of someone I have never met nor spoken too.
I experience emotions too passionately, it's no wonder I often decide to turn them off. At least I have that ability. I have always considered it a blessing to be able to just not care, not mind, not fall in love, or in like. To be able to walk away and know that I was always in control of myself even if it meant that I wasn't r e a l l y living.
People often comment that I look sad, but it's not the sadness that gets to me. It's the happy. When I am happy I have a harder time controlling myself. I lose myself and forget why I am where I am or why I do the things I do and I make mistakes and ruin everything I've suffered for. You probably think a person shouldn't have to suffer for such things, but I do. If I don't suffer for the things I love, like, enjoy then it doesn't seem real and I don't appreciate that of which I have. I tend to lose things, and let go of the people I love if things work out too easy. Maybe my thought process is really fucked up. Maybe I'm just over-protecting myself from great happiness and sorrow. Or maybe I just haven't reached that point where I feel like I deserve everything and more.
I am so sad that my camera is broken. I didn't realize how much I loved my camera, how often I used it. I am going to buy a new one and take tons of photo's and post them for everyone to see. Of course I would be the person that failed photography. It was in High School, and I didn't fail due to bad pictures or anything but more to the fact that I had a big mouth and a sharp tongue and the teacher and I didn't exactly see eye to eye on many subjects. My pictures were flawlessly executed and brilliant. I'm not even just saying that. They were. Well as brilliant as taking pictures of random shit around a high school could be, but they were. I got over it, but find it completely ironic how I failed a class I actually loved so much. Pictures are better than movies, films, most things. They capture the briefest of moments for a lifetime. Moments we will never get back and things we will never quite see the same way again.
Perhaps maybe tomorrow I will break down and go buy one.
posted by Amber at 12:33 AM
2 Comments:
i know what you mean about it being easier to be 'sad' than 'happy'. i've had the great displeasure of viewing my face recently in a subway window reflection during my commute, and fuck if i didn't always look tired, displeased, pissed and/or depressed. i try to change it to a more 'pleasant' look, but it just seems fake. and i'm just skeptical of happiness to a certain degree. when people get all amped up over things- holidays, events, whatever- i try to just maintain, b/c why get all worked up and risk facing a disappointment. better to go in a bit skeptical and be pleasantly surprised, or even swept off your feet with excitement. this is not a steadfast rule; i do get stupidly excited about the dumbest things, but sharing happiness seems to be a bit more difficult for me. man, re-reading this comment, i sound like a big ole polly pissy pants.
Camera-what kind? Digital I’m assuming. I'm an amateur photographer who has been reluctant to move to a digital camera. I will forever love the 35mm, but the convenience is digital is way too appealing. Any suggestions for a future buyer? Brands? Memory types? etc.
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