the crazy lady speaks

I keep having these emotional outbursts and it’s bothering me so much. Oh you wouldn’t notice when their happening because I’m good at keeping things like that locked up inside because really there is no need to show any of it to any of you or anyone at all for that matter. But it’s devouring the person that I am.

And have I mentioned lately that I’m upset with the fact that I can’t seem to get ahead no matter how hard I try? I need to stop spending my money on frivolous things and get my act together. Pay the bills I have put off for years. Put some money away in my mutual fund. Actually keep money in my savings account… oh and that’s just one issue that makes me upset. I’m always upset about money and money based issues but that’s been the story of my life.

My friends make me angry and upset too, but they don’t know it and it’s not really anything that they do. I guess I’m just having a hard time being happy for others lately. I don’t show it. I say that I am and I do genuinely mean it but inside there is just something that makes me hate myself even more for not doing as well or not being as perfect as they are and it’s crazy. I’ve become increasingly competitive lately and I don’t quite understand where it’s all coming from. I know they’re not perfect…

Maybe this is why I’ve been trying to make myself ugly to match the way I feel on the inside. Who knows why I do anything. I feel like I’m crazy at times.