the shadow is cast.

I woke up this morning and was too tired to figure out how to turn my alarm off. After struggling with it for a while I finally just decided to reset it for fifteen minutes longer, wishing it was for fifteen hours longer.

Hung over but not really from any of the liquor I consumed last night more of a mixture of things that are making me feel groggy and bitchy and not so good. First off I was awake yesterday for 19.75 hours before getting a chance to shut my eyes and rest. In addition to that, yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to go to the gym and do a little running as in a ten minute mile on the treadmill. Doesn't sound so threatening until you think about the last time I ever ran a mile was about twelve years ago as a sophamore in high school! I'm proud of myself that I can still do it in 10 minutes. But of course the second I got off the treadmill I felt this insane tightness in my calf muscles that nothing can describe. And last but not least I decided for my own very selfish reasons to go out to the castro with the wonderful Miss Leslie and my gay boyfriends Kevin and Kyle and gay it up a bit, which ultimately means drinking and dancing my ass off, both of which I did plenty of even though my legs were so incredibly sore. Including wearing heels which actually helped my legs feel a little better. odd. I know. I love heels! I'm glad I went out. Not only did I get to spend time with my bestest of friends but I got to hang out with my old work buddies and fairly good friends Favian and Jackie! I ran into Eric as well and saw Marc there too but we didn't exchange hello's or anything. It was like a reunion of sorts with the old co-workers. I got a good work out though. You know those gays, party to the edge of death and back again. At one point Kevin had me face against the wall practically fucking my ass right there on the dance floor. All I could do was laugh and play along because really what fun would it be to protest, besides I was pinned against a wall what could I do?! Gay adventures can be so much fun, but if my mother ever saw...

So I drove home last night so very tired and a little bit drunk and pissed off. I was so angry at myself when I got into the car. Angry because I was jealous. Why do we feel jealousy? I think it's odd that an emotion like jealousy can cause us to be bitter, resentful, angry, hurt and spiteful and yet at the same time, at least for me, I feel bad for feeling the way that I do. Ashamed and mad that I feel jealous in the first place. I started off the night by getting it out in the open to someone, trying to see that if talking about it would make me okay. And it did for most of the time, but I saw the green shining in my eyes here and there and I did not like it. So I feel like an asshole. My punishment for feeling like jerk was coming home and having to clean up dog shit and piss off the floor. Mother fucker we let you out before we left! I think she's doing it on purpose.

All of that on four hours of sleep doesn't help me have any better of a morning than I would otherwise. But now, I don't feel quite so shitty. Just really tired. I'm going to come home and take a nap and then go out to the Arrow bar for Red Light.