wake up.

I'm having a hard time waking up today. I've been at work for a while now and still feel like I am spiraling down. It's the feeling of being drugged. When every sound echoes in your head and your eyes can't focus at all. My eyes keep rolling back into my head and I just know it would feel so good to give in and pass out.

Driving to work this morning posed mortal threat as I fell unconscious/asleep a few times along the way. I'm a good sleep driver I guess. I'm not trying to convince myself of this though as it's scary as hell. I once got in a big accident from falling asleep after driving home after an all night party thrown at the Brookedale Lodge up in the hills of Santa Cruz. It is haunted, but that's something else entirely.

I woke up early yesterday on little sleep. I wanted to get to work early so I could get some of my bigger projects out of the way. Of course by the time 6pm rolled around I had been at work for 10 hours with only a measily 30 minute lunch. I was tired. I got home watched some tv, made some dinner and hung out with the dog and cat and thought I would head to bed early. I took a long hot bath. I put on sweats and was getting really sleepy and then Leslie came home. Leslie needed to get out for a bit. Not party or dance but just go out for a beer sit in some dive talk. I put on some pants and we met up with Kevin at the 24th street Bart station and decided we'd just walk to the Phone Booth. I had only been there one other time before. Last summer where a certain someone got pushed off a garbage and laid laughing on the nasty mission sidewalk much to the fact that the wrist that broke the fall would be hurting for days afterwards. It was strange because I even got the same table.

The Phone Booth. It's a great dive. there is a pool table in the back for those that like that sort of thing and the drinks are always strong and cheap. my drink was only $4.25 and there was so much liquor in this one drink that the guys behind me asked if I was going to be okay drinking it, to which I smiled wickedly at them and laughed at them as I walked towards the table which I would be planted at for the next hour or two. This is a bar that you can smoke in. Butt's covered the floor. We talked about everything and nothing and then we walked home. I live closer now than I did before. Kevin decided he was going to spend the night with me. he's not into girls though so it was like brother and sister sleeping side by side in underwear. I've slept with Kevin many times before and it's always just comforting to sleep next to someone. We talked in the dark for about a half hour before finally drifting off to sleep.

And then my alarm went off. I was dreaming in full color detail the strangest dream I've ever had. I was a teenager again living with my parents but we were much richer and I was much more angsty and all in all just a bitch. I kept trying to do this cartwheel with a round off onto a vaulting horse but the springboard was so tiny and I couldn't hit it with my hands and my dad kept telling me that I probably wasn't going to make it but that it didn't matter and I got all sorts of huffy and stormed off ripping shit off the walls and then I was so rudely awaken by my alarm. I always have trouble waking up when my dreams get interupted. It's the worst feeling.

I got up and started getting ready for work. Before I left I told Kevin that I was leaving for work and that he could stay and sleep in as long as he wanted too. he said okay, rolled back over and said goodnight. GOODNIGHT?! GOODNIGHT MOTHER FUCKER?! It was 8:00 am. I desperately wanted to strip off my office attire and crawl back under the covers resting my head in one of my deep soft pillows and sleepnig for about a hundred more years.

I can't wait to be off work. but at the rate time is moving right now that seems like it could be an eternity. I should shoot for something more attainable like Lunch time. Just an hour away.