Crazy Girl!

This morning has been a complete disaster.

I wake up with enough time to get ready, but I'm feeling slow and tired. I guess I took too long but manage to get out the door on time only to get half way down the street and realize I forgot my keys and bus pass. I was already pissed off that I didn't have a jacket that matched what I was wearing and further pissed off that I had/have to have a jacket in the middle of summer in the first place. Then pissed off that I was going to be late for work because I was dumb!

It started to creep up on me. I was getting too angry at nothing. I missed the bus I needed to catch to be on time for work. I was tempted to jump in line at the methadone clinic but kept on walking to the bus stop. No busses were in sight so I lit a cigarette. I usually don't smoke in the morning. I've never really got into smoking in the morning but I fucking needed one. At that moment of course the bus comes. Before I lit it I looked all down the street and didn't see a bus in site. Lit it, and it's one block away. At this point I realize I'm having an anxiety attack. The bus pulls up and is packed. I'm not sure I can do it, but I know if I don't I'll hate myself even more. I climb on and work my way towards the back and I can feel with each step it's getting worse. I feel sick, dizzy, short of breath. I thought I was going to pass out. I wanted to sit down, but there were no seats. I realized I had started to hold my breath so I tried to relax some. This went on until I got to work. I'm still feeling crazy.

I never should have stopped taking my Lexapro. It made most of the anxiety I feel go away. It has side effects though like a super increased libido, we're talking out of control sex fiend. And it made my stomache feel upset. But maybe I should start taking them again. I just don't want to be dependant on some stupid happy pill to make me feel normal.