Don't think it, just Do it.

I started last week off on a high and it's gone down hill very rapidly. Yes this is a self depreciating post.

Hi. My name is Amber, and I'm a loser.

Why am I working two jobs, two crappy jobs? Why do I not have any REAL goals. Being a "lady that lunches" is NOT a real aspiration. Why am I not good enough ever for anything.

I'm not sure why I ever dropped out of school. Why thoughts of my future were always dilluted away to almost nothing. I've never had dreams or goals bigger than what I could actually foresee happening. I've never had any ideas about what I wanted to do with my life. I'm lazy. I'm full of doubt that I can actually do anything and it doesn't feel very good.

I always thought I'd just grow up and it would come to me. It never did. Should I make a decision now? Is there something gnawing at the back of my psyche that will drive me in a certain direction? And if so, how and when will I know? Is it already too late? Have I missed my chance? I feel trapped. I feel like I'm getting too old too fast and I have no control over anything anymore.

Maybe I'll go back to school. Live off financial aid and student loans. Keep my one part time job. Maybe I'll be stuck doing the same shit over and over again until I die a miserable, lonely old lady. Why is it that some people know what they want to do with their lives and then there are the people like me that are just fucking clueless.
I'm always afraid I'm not going to make it so I never even try or worse yet, I half ass it and then prove to myself that I suck.

Nothing can ever just be.


I fear and hope for tomorrow... literally.