introspective

I used to think I was bipolar.
I’m so up and down that sometimes I get afraid that I’m not normal. Not that I’d necessarily want to be “normal” which usually constitutes someone as boring, but at times I feel just a little too extreme, or too odd to fit into society within normal reason. However if I told my thoughts of a possible bipolar problem or any other psycho-related problem to a medical professional I’m sure they’d laugh at me. It’s true. My highs aren’t high enough, and my low’s not low enough to be anything but average. I just hate how I can go from feeling really good, being genuinely happy, loving life and who I am and what I want in one instant and then the next being just completely the opposite and feeling no hope for anything good to ever come to me in this lifetime.

I don’t sink into deep depressions where I can’t get out of bed or anything. I usually just torture myself with these thoughts, driving myself mad, feeling like a failure. Most of it seems to stem from the fact that I never, ever can finish anything I set out to start. I keep telling myself, my family and friends that I’m going to do something or have an idea and then that’s the end. I’ll start it, give up and never finish, bored and tired of it I move on leaving it behind only to realize weeks, months or years down the road how incredibly stupid I was for giving up and feeling as if it is too late to go back.

Everything is in my head. I think too much, and not always in a smart way. Over analyze things and people and actions. I just want something or someone to occupy my thoughts and my time for a while. Maybe I’m just really lonely. Relationships don’t come easy for me. I’m too closed off or too distant. I like sex. I like physical closeness. I’m just no good at opening myself up. Some people I know may say that is total bullshit. And in some ways they are right. I am an open book. I gab about everything, except my feelings. I can tell you anything you want to know about me if you ask. But I’m fiercely secretive and have always been told that I hide too much. My mom used to tell me I was too secretive all the time as a child. I’m the complete opposite of her in how I think and act, and it scared her.

I was really smart and advanced for my age when I was a kid. I could comprehend things most kids my age couldn’t. I’ve always thought like an adult and have always had very real perceptions of how things were and are and how they should be. I was a bit of the pessimist in play groups. I felt pressure that most kids never felt. I would cry all the time in school to the point where my teachers would call home to see if everything was okay. I was just always on the verge of tears… I was just a weird little kid on the inside and normal looking on the outside and kept everything to myself and not much has changed with the exception of now knowing I suffer from anxiety and have my whole life which explains the pressure I felt that wasn’t ever really there and all the weird crying episodes I had as a child.

So now I am left trying to figure out what is real and what isn’t anymore, how not to be so hard on myself, and how to finish something I start.