life...

I never thought I'd be the kind of person that would turn to substances to block out all of the bad stuff life has to throw at me. Last night I saw it for the first time, a revelation while intoxicated.

These last few weeks I've kept myself chemically altered every day even though I've been really sick. This last weekend I went to coachella and was really only sober when I slept. And even when I got a concussion (I got kicked/stepped/jumped on in the head durring massive attacks set) I kept myself just far enough out there that I wouldn't have to deal with life. I refused any medical attention knowing full well the conscequences. I almost couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth. I kept saying, no I don't want too even though inside I felt like I was going to die. between bouts of wanting to pass out and rushing to the toilets to puke my guts out. I didn't realize it then. Last night however I decided to go out to Shutter, a monthly club that I do enjoy. I lit a J and passed it around to everyone. I smoked, I drank, I am on keflex for my resperitory infection, flexoril to relax my tense muscles that cause my trigger points to flare up, a million advil to reduce swelling in my head and ease the headaches I keep getting and to take the pressure off the back of my eyes. And my stomach, it's upset, it hurts, it's cramping up, and yet I continued to swallow down my beer, smoke another J cloud my mind.. and last night on my way home driving alone after dropping off my friends I noticed I need to take a break, and deal with things that aren't easy, that are scary and make some real decisions...

every part of my body feels like crap right now.