The stars we could reach weren't just starfish on the beach.

Jessica came home, and we went out for beers at our favorite trashy bar the Zeitgeist! I had maybe a beer and a half and was feeling quite loaded. Mixing liquor with pills always does that shit to me. I make for a cheap date. I'm drunk and ready to go in just under 20 minutes. I stayed too long. Had a few more beers and kept my buzz, then finally I realized I hadn't anything to eat in a long, long time. I felt like I was going to pass out and die if I didn't get some food. Thus my decision to walk home by myself.

The place is a 10-15 minute walk from my house. Perfect stumbling distance home. Hell I've even taken a cab home before, a whole 4 measely blocks. But I was walking, and my legs felt all numb like and I was dreaming about food and of passing out when I realized. Shit! I'm drunk and it's not even 10pm yet. When did we start drinking? 8:30? or was it 9? on a Sunday night? What's wrong with me. LUSH. LIGHT WEIGHT LUSH. :) My fucking left over pizza tastes SO good!

I realized today again for like the one millionth (is that a word?) time that I am in fact a snob. S-N-O-B. I'm mean. I'm a bitch. Most importantly though I don't really care. When I go home to visit my friends and family I'm usually way overdressed, I think someone threw around the word pretentious once. My own mother has been calling me a snob since high school. I used to tell her to shut up, that I wasn't a snob, but that I had standards. And I intended to keep to them. She loves me and my "standards" very much though, and wouldn't have me any other way.

Tomorrow I start my new job + my old job for a total of 12 hours of work. I'm going to die. I can just feel it. That is why I had to go out early tonight. Why I had to come home and sober up and why I have to be in bed by 11:30. I have to find some clothes to wear tonight so that tomorrow morning I won't flip out and get all "girly" and not be able to find something to wear. I hate when I feel uncomfortable in all my clothes. This way the decision is made and it's final.

I hate being too girly. I can't believe how some girls act. I'm girly enough, I suppose. I want a guy to hold my hand. kisses-yes, hugs-yes. Do I want to ask a guy if I look fat-HELL NO! I can look in a fucking mirror thank you very much. Do I need to depend on someone so much that I lose track of who I really am and what I like and ditch all my friends because I'm in "LOVE/LUST"? NO NO NO! Someone to sleep next too, to look at me in THAT way, to make me laugh, and someone to share stuff with and have lots and lots and lots of sex with, that's it. I still want to be able to be me. To hang out with my friends, and to live my own life but just have someone special to come home to and share all details with. Maybe I'm delusional, maybe I'm still a bit drunk, or maybe I'm just wierd like everyone says but that's all I really want.

Damnit! it's only like 10:40pm or something and I'm going to pass out at my keyboard.

goodnight.